The Love of A Husband

husbands-love-wives1When I try to define love, I think of God.

How He loves me…protects me…teach me…forgive me…tolerates me :-/

I think of the many stages of “me”, that I have gone through…think of all of the messes that I have gotten my husband and I in, and even tho I may get a good chewing out….in the end I always hear “I will take care of it.”

My husband has never left my side, never left me to figure it out on my own, as many times as he probably should have.

My “fears” or doubts, he takes as an insult, because he plans to give me the world…YEP.. the whole entire world…and he wants me to believe that he will deliver.

Feeling inadequate, stagnate, typical girl emotions, he takes it as me doubting him. I love him, trust 100% that he would break every bone in his body in efforts to deliver the world to me on his back. That is the kind of man that he is.

So often, I think back over my life, and I realize why God wants us to save ourselves for marriage. Truth is…if you marry right…take your time, listen to God, find your soulmate, then no one will love you like your husband/wife (besides God and your parents…hopefully :-P ). I think back at all (well not ALL, but whoever..) I gave myself to and realize how BADLY they did not deserve me…cowards wouldn’t do 1/4 of the things that my husband does for me…wouldn’t deal with half of the things that he has dealt with because of me. Never made me feel nearly as deserving…nearly as beautiful… nearly as loved, as my husband does. I wish I could have saved that for him, given him something that no one else in this whole world have had…because he deserves that.

When I think of the kind of wife I am to him, I honestly do not think that I can compare. I try to tell myself that, something has to be right about me, I mean he loves me….but truthfully, I think he is just crazy. My heart swells with just the thoughts of him, and I can not thank God enough for him. He is truly a gift, truly a blessing.

When I think of the definition of love, I think of God’s love for me, uncondtional, eternal, undeserving.

All adjectives to describe my husband’s love for me.
I only hope that I can reciprocate such a love for him.
I only hope that I am as everything to him…as he is everything to me.

A NSV and Why Having A Personal Trainer May Be Beneficial After All

NSV (Non Scale Victory). I am kind of a yo yo exerciser…by that I mean, I may go a full month or so going hard in the gym and working out, then slack for like a week or two, before I kick start it back. I am trying to stop that cycle. Right now I am exercising regularly, I hope to keep it this way from here on out, no breaks.

Anywho, because of these break periods, when jumping back in, I often feel like I am starting over physically, (probably more mental than anything). So on to the victory; I was at a bootcamp class, the instructor instructs us, as a whole class, how to do leg raises (Put your hands under your butt, make a triangle with your hands…ect) So as we were doing them, I hear her saying “Put your hands behind your head.” I assumed that she just got it mixed up bc hands under your butt is the correct way to do a leg raise. So then she comes up to me, and tells me to put my hands behind my head… So apparently she wasn’t talking to the entire class when I first heard her say it, she was talking to a specific individual. So afterwards she explains that the “more advanced” would be doing them with their hands behind their heads, because it was more of a challenge.

Now this was only my 2nd time working out with her, how did she know that I was “more advanced”, was it in my posture, did I LOOK like it was easy the other way (bc it wasn’t) either way, I admit being considerd “advanced” in fitness did have me feeling a little proud, a little special :-)

Which is funny I have the most awesome Beachbody Coach she is so positive and always cheering me on, and I guess me, focusing on my imperfections, I never really consider myself consistent, or determined or any of that good stuff. If I were to tell her that I was considered “advanced” she would be like “uhhhh DUH!!!” LOL But I was really shocked…. that leads me on to the next topic:

Why Having A Trainer May Be Beneficial After All.

I, personally, have never been to big on the idea of hiring a personal trainer for my own. I just felt like what is the point of having someone there just to tell me what to do? If I can do it while they are there, then I can do it when they are not… FOR FREE!!! Well my NSV today, got me to thinking, trainers are not just there to see that we do the workouts, they are there to help transform us! To get something that we have never have we must do things that we have never done, and that is what trainers are for, to push us further, harder, stronger than we would go ourselves.

For example, when I was new to the whole bootcamp and strength training, I was in a class where we would have to do 100 push ups, sets of 25! I had never done 1!!!! I HATED (and currently still hate) PUSH UPS! So I did 1 or 2 regular push ups…the rest were modified on my knees…and even further along modified to where even my legs were straight and I was only lifting up my upper body… well I was hurting, IDK how far along I had got, but my arms were burning, I literally felt like I could not pick myself up, anymore, it got so hard, I began to feel weak…like my muscles would atrophy…So the instructor sees me…she sees me struggling and says to do 5 more. FIVE!!! I can not explain to you in words, how bad my arms were burning…I literally struggled to pick myself up, the push ups became slower, almost non existant I was thinking “When will she realize that I physically can’t do anymore??”… the 5th one was probably half of a push up, I felt like my arms just would not work anymore… that’s the point of a trainer. Had I done it on my own, I would have maybe did 5 more past the burn, or when it hurt “to bad” just stop and rest… I would have stayed within my comfort zone. What she did was pushed me like 50 more past the burn + 5 more past the burn’s burn….like it didn’t just hurt to bad…IT FELT IMPOSSIBLE!

In our minds…we workout until it hurts…in a trainer’s mind, if your muscle can still do it, then DO IT no matter the pain. In a trainer’s mind, you haven’t really even started until the burn kicks in, then it’s time to WERK!!!
Even with the trainer today, I personally, did not feel like my leg raises were easy, but she saw something that told her that I needed more of a challenge, I never would have even known putting your hands behind your head made it more difficult, own my own, I would have remained in my comfort zone.

So I am not a personal trainer, I am not trying to sell anything to anyone…If you want to lose weight, sure, I’m sure you can do that alone, but if you are wanting to TRANSFORM, unless you are extensively educated on physical fitness, and highly motivated to make yourself cry, I think fitness coaches are absolutely 100% necessary!!

I have to say, I have worked with some pretty amazing women: Kameelah and the Wow Fitness Family ( ), and my love bug Carla…who it was who pushed me to do those damn pushups lol. I owe it all to you guys!


Proverbs In July: Chapters 6 & 7

I will be honest, I had to look up Chapter 6 “explained”, I originally read the text

verses 1-3:My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor,
if you have shaken hands in pledge for a stranger,
you have been trapped by what you said,
ensnared by the words of your mouth.
So do this, my son, to free yourself,
since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands:
Go—to the point of exhaustion
and give your neighbor no rest!”

and took it to mean that “If you promise your neighbor something then you are held to your word, that you must give your all and do your best.” Boy was I off.

After researching, I learned that verses 1-11 is talking about finances, it is referring to what we call “co-signing”, if I were to co-sign a car for a friend, that is me saying that I believe that this friend will be true to this contract. It is also me saying that if this friend breaks the contract, then I will pay the bill for it. God does not want us taking on another man’s debt if we do not have the means to pay it.
It also suggest that we “free” ourselves from that debt, to humble ourselves, giving that friend no rest, to basically plead to be left off the hook from that debt.

A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest—
and poverty will come on you like a thief
and scarcity like an armed man.
-Provebs 6:10-11

Basically today’s whole: “I’ll sleep when I die” attitude, there is money to be made.

Verses 12-15 speaks of recognizing a wicked or evil man: This proverb gives three more traits of a wicked man. First, he has a froward heart. His froward speech is not accidental (Pr 6:12); it comes from his perverse and unruly heart. Such men have an evil disposition. They are arrogant, difficult to manage, hard to please, rebellious, and selfish. They prefer to argue, complain, debate, and fight than live in peace. Godly men are the opposite. They are content, cooperative, gracious, and patient.

Verses 16-20 discuss 7 things that God hates, I find them all to be note worthy:

There are six things the Lord hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
a false witness who pours out lies
and a person who stirs up conflict in the community
Proverbs 6:16-20

What I got most from this chapter were the first verses, regarding debt. IDK why, I pray for God to change my financial situation, but I have never really considered Him to be concerned much about money, this here proves to me that, I can not pray for Him to create a miracle, if I am not willing to put forth real work, I can not pray for him to change a situation and repetitively act in ways that he has warned us from doing.

On to Chapter 7, again with this Adulterous Woman warning!!
Different from chapter 5, this chapter kind of tells a story of a young man being seduced by a prostitute. The last 3 verses pretty much sums up the point of the entire proverb:

25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways
or stray into her paths.
26 Many are the victims she has brought down;
her slain are a mighty throng.
27 Her house is a highway to the grave,
leading down to the chambers of death.”

Proverbs 7:25-27

Proverbs in July: Chapter 5

I am doing Chapter 5 solo (and late, although I have continued to keep up daily, I am just now blogging about this chapter). I would not be real with myself or my readers if I just stopped writing or skipped writing about certain chapters which I did not fully grasp. That is not being honest about my journey, to growth, both spiritual and personal.

Chapter 5: Warning Against Adultery

It sounds simple enough right? Perhaps to simple, perhaps it just down out right is what it is, a warning against the wayward woman. As I was reading (which I continued to re-read again and again hoping to gain a more clear understanding) I couldn’t help but to think this was a huge metaphor, not only for adultery, but for sin in general.

“For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.”

-Proverbs 5:3-4

For me personally this could be metaphorically speaking of the devil/Satan who can appeal to anyone as their deepest desires, their every hope and dream, but in the end being a trap to lure you into his deceit.

I kept reading it in this way, but I was uncertain.

However in verses 15-17 :Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.

I can understand metaphorically to mean to drink from your own cistern/ running water from your own well, indulge with the lady that is your own (wife). “Never be shared with strangers”, women who are not your own. Never share yourself with another woman outside of your own.

So then in that sense I can see it specifically referring to adultery literally. I guess I am just jumping ahead because most of all it confuses me that this is addressed to me, about women, but what about warning women of strange men.

Well these are my thoughts upon chapter 5. Nothing deep and insightful; more inquisitive and curious.

The Book of Proverbs July Challenge: Days 3 & 4!!!


31 Days in July…. 31 Chapters in the Book of Proverbs.

I started on July 1st and just had this brilliant idea to blog about some of my thoughts throughout this, some self realizations, and simply my spiritual journey. This will be a recap of the past 4 days, since I just decided to write about it.

I shall start with today, day 4, and count down, since chapter 4 is the most fresh on my mind at the time.

For me this chapter was very similar to chapter 1, explaining the importance of wisdom and understanding, encouraging “us” to walk in righteousness, and to resist evil.
A key theme in this chapter is to hold on to “wisdom and understanding” and to never forget it, for it is the way of life.

One verse that stuck with me was verse 24, “Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips”

It made me reflect on what corruption I have allowed to creep from my mind onto my tongue.

Yesterday day 3…Chapter 3 was probably the most eye opening chapter for me thus far. As they would say “It gave me LIFE!” I think I read it twice, if not 3 times, it gave me chills.

Still focusing on wisdom, it also talked about trusting in God, not leaning towards our own understandings (3:5).

Verse six really stuck with me: “In all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight”

How easy is it to act out of fear, do things that we wouldn’t normally do, say things that we probably shouldn’t, all for the fear of surviving. What verse 6 says to me, is to follow God’s path, do right in all things, and God will take care of the rest. There is no need to fear or worry about the outcome when you are following His path.

My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline,
and do not resent his rebuke,
12 because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in
-Proverbs 3:11-12

Verses 21-31 goes on to list things that we should and should not do, showing us how to be wise, how to love, and how to trust.

Touching on 3:31 “Do not envy the violent
or choose any of their ways.”

Notice how sometimes it seems that good things come so easily to bad people, non believers?

Theives get the fast money, while honest people humbly struggle to make ends meet?
Well verse 31 tells us not to envy the violent or fall to their ways. Why?

Verses 33 & 34 tells us: “The Lord’s curse is on the house of the wicked,
but he blesses the home of the righteous.
He mocks proud mockers
but shows favor to the humble and oppressed.”

So originally I planned to fill you in on all 4 days, counting back, but this is getting a bit lengthy, and I wouldn’t want to bore you or lose your interest, so I shall continue with Chapters 1 &2 in a later post. Chapter 3 was so exhilerating I think it is only right to end on a good note :-)

“The wise inherit honor,
but fools get only shame.”
-Proverbs 3:35

Be wise, trust in our Lord, and follow His path, for it is rewarding, reassuring, and promising.
Proverbs Chapter 3 was everything!!!

A Mind Without A Purpose!

A Mind Without A Purpose!

Hello! How embarrassed am I to, have been away for so long. After coming back and reading my last blog post, I feel down right silly.

I thought that the primary focus of my posts here were still fitness. I kind of got off track, with the whole fitness thing, but that is another post. Since I got off, so many times I wanted to come write, but I always felt like “Ehhh I don’t have anything to say.”

Had I came and seen my last post, I would have at least been able to stay on top of myself, stay on top of my children.

Kinda got lost in the sauce.

We had ONE really good week. I had my cleaning schedule, for the entire week, I stayed on top of the clothes (washing, folding AND the dreaded hanging…IDK why I hate hanging clothes up in the closets as much as I do…but I do), my house was clean, my husband was happy, The Servant was busy, but in bliss…..


I don’t know what happened. I guess I do. One day I wanted to be lazy, which turned into a week of laziness, which turned into a bigger mess, which then made me want to put it off even further, which eveeeeeeeeentually put me back in old habits, which is the slow…slow…slow here and there distracted kind of cleaning.

I can’t help but to think that, had I come to this blog, and be reminded of how detemined I was to do better, that I would have actually put forth the effort to do so.

With that being said, I apologize for being gone for nearly 2 months. More than apologizing to my imaginary audience….except you, you wonderful person, who more than likely accidentally stumbled across this post, thank you for taking the time to read :-)

But I should more so apologize to myself, avoiding this blog, was avoiding my reality. Whether it be avoiding my fitness goals, or my pursuit to overcome my lackadaisical attitude, avoiding my reality was avoiding the person that I WANT to become.

If only I could close my eyes and magically make a wish.
If only I didn’t have to actually WORK at being who I want to be.

Thus, brings the title of this whole post:
“A Mind Without A Purpose”

Just blissfully ignorantly going through life, thinking thoughts, dreaming up ideas, but let them remain hidden, buried in your brain behind a millon other thoughts.

For me, that is the purpose of blogging, similar to journaling, it is to extract all thoughts with a purpose and write them down, making them concrete.
Taking them from mere thoughts, to reality merely by making those thoughts visible.

I am the make up of my thoughts, and if everyday I read my thoughts, they will build, they will build me, they will one day become so large that they can’t just fit on the screen of a blog profile.

They will become alive.

With that said, I am back.

“Hi. My name is Shay and I am The Servant to, 4 Kings and a 9 month old Queen.
I am here to transform.”

Mastering Motherhood & The Role of A Wife

Many of you who may know me personally, or have been reading my blog posts, are (or should be) aware of the fact that I do not have my life together. What I mean by that is I am still trying to find my place in the world of being a domesticate (is that a word?). I want to grow as a mother and a wife. I didn’t have many role models in either area, growing up. My mom, a young (very young :-/) teen mom, who was not only learning life for herself, but also trying to build a life for me. I totally get it, being able to feed your children, is a whole lot more important than doing arts and crafts or baking cookies with them, so I don’t judge, I don’t regret or resent, but still I would like something more for my own children. That’s perfectly right, right?

I can probably say what kind of mom that I don’t want to be, better than I can what kind I want to be.

I don’t want to be a lazy mom. I don’t want to be the kind that knows what should be done, but just don’t have the energy or drive to do it. In that I mean anything in general, discipline, creativity, emotional needs. I want to be present in every aspect of their lives. I don’t want to be a friend, but I do want to be a mother that they can trust, in their moments of pure fear, sorrow, fatigue, worry, or elatement. I want to be present, and I want them to know that I am present.

I want to raise well rounded men (and woman lol the Queen). I don’t want them to feel like they have to confined to any one dimension of life. I want them to feel comfortable and confidant in any setting. I don’t want to leave them feeling lost or uncertain because of something that I failed to prepare them for.

I want them to have the faith and self belief to know that with effort they can accomplish anything or become anything that they set their mind on. I know that there is no perfect parenting, there is no perfect person, or any perfect way, but I want to know that I am making an effort, for them, to be what they need.

In doing so you must first admit that you don’t know all of the answers and I don’t! I say that I am “studying” how to master motherhood and become a “Good wife”, I say that because I read other womens blogs, and pick their brains, trying to piece together my own life in the mean time.

I have probably put more effort in mastering motherhood, than I have on finding my role in being his wife. Even so much to add that he made me mad, and I quit the Love Dare lol. I will pick it back up, I will but he really made me mad! lol I have also been reading: “My so called Life As The Proverbs 31 Wife.” So far it sounds a lot like this blog post, a woman lost in her own ways and trying to find her position as a wife.” I will say it is encouraging reading the journey of a woman that sounds a lot like myself, knowing that she found her way. If she can then I can.

So far, what I have gathered is running a household is a lot like running a business.

Dad= CEO (hardly ever present, but makes the rules)

Mom= Manager (present and enforces rules.)

Kids= Employees, worker bees (do as you are told) lol

“Do as you are told”, that’s funny because I am a nurse, and that sounds a lot like my life at work right now.

Anywho, when I say dad is hardly present, I mean he is at work. Whether you are a SAHM, and dad is gone during the day, or in my case, my husband travels and is literally gone for weeks at a time (or so it seems, he would argumentably say he is only gone for a week at a time.)

If a manager at a business was slacking, and not making sure the employees were performing efficiently then the business would begin to crumble, the CEO would blame the manager for not enforcing rules,and the manager will be fired.

Well not to say that he would fire me as his wife…HE WOULD NEVER…. but it is important that moms (more specifically speaking of myself), not let the kids slack on following the rules, because in interfere with stability, consistency, and it sets the tone of the household as if dad’s words does not really matter, devaluing or minimizing the role of the father in our household,or them growing older, believing that they can manipulate women to get what they want.

So my first homework assignment is to learn how to hold the children accountable, and not be dissueded by their cute little faces, but to enforce the rules around the house, and to not only tell them what to do, but to also oversee and make sure that they have executed it to satisfaction (oppose to letting it slide, because HEY at least they tried……yeaa I let a lot of sliding go on around the house.)